April 25, 2021
St. John’s United Church of Christ, Union, Illinois
1 John 3:16-24; 1 Samuel 18-20,selected[1]
Proverbs 18:24 says: “Some ‘friends’ pretend to be friends, but a
true friend sticks closer than a brother.”[2]
There are people who are friendly with everyone, even those who
are unpopular, strange, or outcast in some way. There are people who purposely
show the love of Christ in the way they treat others, and include many
different kinds of friends in their circle. One of the ways that God shows us
love and the importance of our relationships with others is by giving us the
ability to be a good Christian friend.
There is a big difference between being popular, or liked by many
people, and being a friend. For example, a boy trying to be popular might play
a cruel prank on a classmate, like announcing to the entire class that another
boy has a crush on the teacher. The first boy doesn’t stop teasing, even when
it becomes obvious that the other was not
taking it as a joke. Do you know someone like that?
An example of the opposite might be a girl entering a new school.
She doesn’t try to force her way into a particular group, but just makes some
friends in her classes, joins some after-school activities, and builds a network
of friends which crosses many of the social groups in the school. What attracts
people to her is her genuine care for others. She cares about people and
doesn’t use them and drop them when they become unpopular. It is more important
to her to be a friend than to have friends. Do you know someone like
that?
Good friendship is:
- having sincere respect for
someone
- developing a balance of give and
take
- being honest
Friendship is more than being nice. We can smile and say “hi” to
people, ask “how’s it going,” and expect they’ll be nice in return. Friendship
is noticing when another is out of sorts, listening without formulating a response
or waiting our turn to tell a similar story. Friendship is being open to being
uncomfortable, sad, angry, or even excited and happy, because that is how our
friend is feeling. Friendship is being committed to a relationship with
another, a relationship based on trust, accountability, and love.
Now, there’s a particular way that Christians talk about
relationships. We live by the words “love your neighbor.” Love is probably not
a word we usually associate with friends, but there are different ways that
love shows in all of our relationships. The ancient Greeks used four words to
talk about love:
- Storge is family love
- Philia is friendship love
- Eros is romantic love
- Agape
is the love God shows
Agape is love
that goes beyond the ordinary, love that is self-sacrificing. Agape love might cause us to give up
something important to us in order to be there for a friend. It might allow us
to stand with a friend when that friend is humiliated or embarrassed, rather
than teasing or hurting that person. It might allow us to confront a friend who
is hurting themselves or others, or using drugs and alcohol in destructive
ways. And agape might force us to
risk losing a friend because it is the best thing for that person.
In our Bible story, Jonathan was a good friend to David, risking
the anger of his father to save his friend from danger. Jonathan knew that
David might be killed by Saul if he stayed, so Jonathan sent him away, even
though he would miss his friend terribly.
There is a scene from the film Good
Will Hunting that illustrates the kind of love that risks losing a friend
in order to help that friend. The two characters, played by Matt Damon and Ben
Affleck, are best friends who have grown up together in the blue-collar south
side of Boston. Matt’s character, Will Hunting, has the gift of a photographic
memory and incredible mathematical ability. He has the opportunity to use his
talents to make a better life for himself, but resists leaving his friend. He
imagines twenty years from now still living near his friend, still working
construction, and nothing changing.
Ben’s character is trying to get his friend to move on, and tells
him bluntly,
If you’re still here in twenty years,
still coming over to my house to watch the Patriots, I’ll kill you… You’re
sitting on a winning lottery ticket, and you’re too afraid to cash it in. Any
one of these guys here would kill to have what you have. You owe it to me as
your friend to move on and make something of yourself.
Later in the film, he pushes harder.
Every day I come by your house and I
pick you up. We go out and we have a few drinks, and a few laughs, and it’s
great. Know what the best part of my day is? For about 10 seconds, from when I
pull up to the curb and when I get to your door. ‘Cause I think maybe I’ll get
up there and I’ll knock on the door and you won’t be there. No “goodbye,” no
“see ya later,” no nothin’; you just left.[3]
It sounds harsh, but sometimes we need our friends to push us to
do what we need to, because we can’t do it ourselves.
Friendships are the way God teaches us to love our neighbors, to
love ourselves, and to love God. We learn to love others as we try to
understand how they experience life – we put ourselves in their shoes. We learn
to love ourselves when a friend listens to our hopes and fears and doesn’t
laugh at us or try to make our struggles smaller than they feel to us. We learn
to love God in our friendships as we learn to trust.
Having friends is so basic to the way God created us that even
Jesus sought out friends. He called the twelve disciples to join in his
ministry, and relied on the help of friends such as Mary and Martha when he
needed shelter, food, and rest.
David and Jonathan had a special kind of friendship, a spiritual or faithful friendship that was based on agape love. A faithful friendship includes not two persons but
three. These friendships include God, and help us grow closer to each other and
to God.
There are five types of faithful friends:
- Companions are
those who share our faith in a regular and familiar way, such as family
members, people at church, etc.
- Mentors
are those who guide us as we explore our relationship with
God. It might be a teacher, a coach, a camp counselor, or even a minister.
- Soul
Friends are those in whom we confide our deepest joys, our
struggles, and our longings.
- Famous
Friends are those we don’t know personally, but whose example of faithful
living we admire – someone like John Shelby Spong or Rachel Held Evans.
- Kindred
Spirits are those who may or may not share our particular religious
beliefs, but with whom we often find ourselves having conversations about
those things which are really important to us, or that give us insight
into our faith.
On the night before he was killed, Jesus shared a meal with his
disciples.
“This is my commandment, that you love
one another as I have loved you. No one has greater love than this, to lay down
one’s life for one’s friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you.
I do not call you servants any longer, because the servant does not know what
the master is doing; but I have called you friends, because I have made known
to you everything that I have heard from my Father. You did not choose me but I
chose you. And I appointed you to go and bear fruit, fruit that will last, so
that the Father will give you whatever you ask him in my name. I am giving you
these commands so that you may love one another.”[4]
Friends, let us love one another.
Amen.
[1] The
scripture quotations contained herein are from the New Revised Standard
Version Bible, copyright © 1989 by the Division of Christian Education of
the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the U.S.A. Used by permission. All rights reserved.
[2] Complete Jewish Bible, copyright © 1998
by David H. Stern. Published by Jewish New Testament Publications, Inc. www.messianicjewish.net/jntp. Distributed
by Messianic Jewish Resources Int'l. www.messianicjewish.net.
All rights reserved. Used by permission.
[3] Ben
Affleck and Matt Damon, writers. Gus Van Sant, director. Good Will Hunting (Miramax, 1997).
[4] John
15:12-17.
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